


Maybe

by victoriousscarf



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M, Minor McCoy/Kirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-28
Updated: 2008-03-28
Packaged: 2020-09-06 07:27:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20287669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/victoriousscarf/pseuds/victoriousscarf
Summary: Yet saying something in the empty spaces of one’s mind and nights wasn’t the same thing as saying to them the living breathing person.





	Maybe

**Author's Note:**

> Original Author's Note: inspired by This Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfeK0pTBCwM
> 
> Author's Note 2019: I've been reposting (saving? rescuing?) my older fics from Livejournal and here we have it folks. The very first Spock/McCoy fic I ever wrote.

Spock didn’t just fall in love at the drop of that hat, or even at the mind-meld (though he didn’t meld with people he didn’t love as a general rule, unless he really needed to). So when he said he loved Dr. McCoy, that meant that it’d been growing and there for years.   
  
He also didn’t just fall in love forever and endlessly in mere days, so when he said he’d love Leonard for as long as he lived, it was because he’d been there so many years and had loved the doctor for several of those.  
  
Yet saying something in the empty spaces of one’s mind and nights wasn’t the same thing as saying to them the living breathing person.   
  
Yes, for a while there, he and McCoy had been, and he’d had the doctor in his life even more and in his bed and somehow McCoy hadn’t found it odd or anything and yet Spock had not said a word about it. He hadn’t told the doctor he actually loved him and it wasn’t just some strange bed warming arrangement.   
  
He remembered many things quite clearly that should have been done and weren’t. Such as when McCoy and the others had come back from the mirror universe. McCoy had looked at him, and looked at him, and then sat down hard and couldn’t stand back up on his own for a while. Spock didn’t ask him what had happened, but he knew it probably had something to do with him.   
Thinking of the ‘other’ crew he’d faced, including a calculating McCoy, he really didn’t want to know.  
  
So he never asked. Maybe he should have.  
  
Life continued on and they didn’t speak of the matter again, because McCoy didn’t want to say it, and Spock didn’t want to ask him.   
  
Then came Sarpeidon and Zarabeth. Spock loved McCoy, but he had wanted the woman so much but it wasn’t love, because Spock just didn’t fall in love like that. He needed the banter, the play, the passion, the everything that McCoy filled for him. But he and McCoy never talked about love.   
  
So why had McCoy reacted so badly to it? Why had he left?  
  
Not physically, though he had stormed out at one point. No, he’d left Spock, and Spock hadn’t even known (wanted, yes, but hadn’t known) McCoy wanted a totally monogamous relationship. Had been sure, and was still sure McCoy didn’t love him.  
  
McCoy left him though and he loved Leonard.   
  
McCoy left him for Kirk.  
  
~  
  
Sometimes logic just didn’t work, McCoy decided a long time ago. And logic was hardly the grounds to base any relationship on, because relationships were about love and passion and things that logic had nothing to do with.   
  
So maybe the whole Spock thing hadn’t been a good idea. Falling in love with him certainly wasn’t one.   
  
For a while, nothing had come of it, other than McCoy feeling more and more annoyed at Chapel every time she mentioned the Vulcan. Then, somehow one day they were doing what they always did, arguing and baiting and oh--- the oh-so-logical Vulcan was kissing him, and the doctor was not going to complain.  
  
But even though they shared a bed half the nights, Spock didn’t say anything to him about it and he still loved the damn Vulcan. He could deal with it, because he was with Spock and even if Spock didn’t say anything…  
  
Mirror Spock, though, didn’t have to say anything. The mind meld worked both ways, after all, and while he couldn’t probe the Vulcan’s mind, he could pick up on enough of it.   
  
Some relationships stayed the same across time and the cosmos it seemed. This Spock slept with this McCoy too, and felt nothing for him. The mirror Spock had laughed at him, when the Vulcan had found his deepest feelings for his alternate self. He’d laughed and called McCoy and fool and an idiot, and dragged him to the transporter room.  
  
When they returned, Spock didn’t say anything to him. Couldn’t the damn Vulcan see he was in pain? The other Spock couldn’t have been right, could he have? That his Spock would never love him no matter what?  
  
McCoy didn’t sleep that night; he just starred at Spock as he slept.   
  
No, Spock didn’t love him. But McCoy had never needed to have it shoved in his face quite the way Zarabeth had shoved it. The Vulcan could be so close to him, and yet be so emotionally far from him, and in love with her?  
  
There could only be so much.   
  
So McCoy left. He walked out of the cave, and didn’t go back to Spock’s bed.  
  
They’d always touched so causally though, stood so close. Now, wherever Spock stood, McCoy stood on the other side of the room. Of course Kirk noticed. So he confronted McCoy and McCoy just shook his head. Kirk had never really known, and McCoy wasn’t going to tell him now it was over.  
  
He hadn’t been excepting what Kirk said though.  
  
“McCoy,” the Captain said, squaring his shoulders. “Leonard. I think I love you.”  
  
So that had been that. Kirk could say all the things Spock never had, and according to one version of the Vulcan, never would because Spock didn’t love him. But Kirk did. Why then couldn’t he get over Spock? Sitting across the table from him, all he could think about was that day, in that other universe, and how close the mirror Spock had been, how invading, and then how his Spock wasn’t like that, how beautiful and calm and Spock-like he was!   
  
And he couldn’t stop thinking about the touches and the times and every time it was the perfect moment and Spock had never said the words.   
  
Kirk could.  
  
That was that.  
  
Wasn’t it? Shouldn’t it have been?  
  
Then what the hell had he been doing, entering Spock’s quarters and slamming his fists down on the table. “I’m sick of this.”  
“Sick of what?” Spock titled his head and McCoy could see him swallow.   
  
“Of you and trying to figure out what you feel and feeling anything about the whole mess because where I am right now? I should be happy there.”  
  
Spock paused, and then rose. “What I feel?”  
  
“Yes,” McCoy snapped. “What you feel? If you feel anything!”  
  
“I feel,” Spock answered, and walked around the table to stand in front of McCoy. “I just…” the Vulcan swallowed.   
  
“What?” McCoy drawled, tired of the whole thing.  
  
“Have trouble.”  
  
McCoy faltered. “Trouble?”  
  
“With saying my feelings.”  
  
“Which are?”  
  
Silence stretched between them. “You and the captain…” Spock said.   
  
It was then McCoy realized he’d never really told the Vulcan he loved him either. Well then…  
  
“Pretend for a moment that that’s not important. What do you feel?”  
  
“It is illogical to pretend,” Spock started, sounding a bit flustered.  
  
“Then it’s illogical. Spock, what do you feel?”  
  
There wasn’t much space between them anymore so it didn’t take long for Spock to cross it and oh, there were kissing again. But that’s action, and while action is nice they’d done it before and McCoy wanted words.   
  
But words could come in a few more minutes, after he’d reacquainted himself with Spock’s face and mouth and arms that he held onto. “Spock…”  
  
“I love you,” the Vulcan finally got out.   
  
“You’re kidding,” McCoy couldn’t help saying it and the look on Spock’s face made him wish he hadn’t let those words escape. “Spock, you… I didn’t think. Not after what… happened.”  
  
“What happened?”  
  
“You, other you, in the mirror universe. So much was the same I thought he must be…!”  
  
“Leonard?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“What do you feel?”  
  
McCoy laughed and buried his face in Spock’s chest as he did so. He would say it, but in a moment, and later they could worry about all the other stuff…


End file.
